Living Within

We spend an increasing amount of time looking in a similar direction.

The next promotion. The faster marathon. The bigger house, the better watch, the holiday that will finally let us switch off. These things have something in common. They sit outside of us and mainly in the future. We somehow expect our inside to naturally catch up or at least keep the pace.

It doesn’t. Not on its own.

Everything you see a person do (the way they train, lead, argue, eat, drive, parent) is the outward expression of what’s going on underneath. Sort the underneath and the outside starts to look after itself. Ignore it and you can achieve, buy and relocate as much as you like. You’ll just be taking the same person with you.

We all go through it. The last 12 months of my life I have been through massive changes. From where I sleep to my role in InnerFight. No matter where I am in the world I am the same me. The same good feelings and the same challenges. The external has changed in many ways but internally I am me.

All the countries I have been in have gifted me opportunities to observe. In Dubai I sit in traffic on Sheikh Zayed Road and watch. Somebody leans on the horn, flashes their lights, cuts across three lanes to gain one car length. We call it road rage. It isn’t about the road. A person at peace doesn’t drive like that. That’s somebody with no calm inside, and the road just happens to be where it leaks out.

Same in the boardroom. Same at home with the people we love most. Same in the gym, with the athlete who throws the bar down because the session didn’t go to plan. Or kicks a water bottle at track (guilty). Outward anger is almost always inward noise. Short fuse, stress, snapping at your kids, that’s not a personality. It’s a symptom.

So here’s the inversion. I hope this makes sense…..If the noise outside starts inside, then the work isn’t adding more to the outside. It’s taking something away from the inside. Less noise. Less rush. Less pretending. Create a bit of peace within and the stress, the aggression, the constant low-level tension has far less to feed on.

How do you actually do that? If I had an absolute answer for everyone here things would be far different but I have ideas, many work very well. One is simple, so simple. Sit in silence each day and breathe. That’s it. No app, no playlist, no candle unless you really want one. Just you, on your own, breathing.

Start small, it may be harder than it sounds. One minute maybe. Set a timer, sit down, breathe in through your nose, breathe out slowly. Your mind will wander off to emails, dinner, that thing someone said on Tuesday. Fine. Notice it, come back to the breath. That’s the rep. Coming back is the exercise, not the failure.

Then, at the end of the day, reflect. Look back at what you actually did, and the impact it had. On the people around you, yes. But also on you, which is the part almost everyone skips. We’re very good at asking whether we let the team down. We’re terrible at asking what the day cost us.

Reflection is hard for a lot of people. I see it and I know why.  They start reflecting with enormous questions. What’s my purpose? Who am I really? What is my legacy? Those are great questions. They are also a one-rep max on day one. Nobody walks into a gym for the first time and loads the bar to their bodyweight. Well, some do. Once.

So start light. Three questions, a line each.

What did I do today that went well? 2-3 things here is perfect.

How did they feel for me?
Tomorrow what am I genuinely excited about for myself?

That last one matters. Not excited for the business, not for the kids, not for the client. For you. Most high performers I work with can’t answer it without a long pause. And then we get some mumble jumble the first few times. That’s ok.

When I did my Hintsa high performance coaching course a few years back in our final assessment we had to present ourselves as a coach. The perfect question of “who are you as a coach”? A small extract of the piece I prepared:

I start from within, as without within, there is no without. 

From my core I am many different things to many people, some I care about others less as our songs play out on different frequencies and that is the what it is supposed to be.

Who am I? I am me. Purpose driven, people focussed, always learning, holistically ready, living life.

Of course the real question we start to unveil here is  who am I? Because the way we behave on the outside, in traffic, in meetings, at the dinner table, is simply a reflection of who we are on the inside. Change the inside and the outside follows.

The process can take time. It may be hard. But of course the return is exactly what we were chasing on the outside all along. Less stress. More calm. More enjoyment. A life that actually feels like yours. Flourishing, if you want the proper word. Better at life, if you want ours.

So, tomorrow morning, before you pick up your phone, sit for sixty seconds and breathe. Tonight three questions. Keep it simple, it’s all there. Live within.

No Weakness,
Marcus