I will live

Reflection is hard, easy, long, short, painful and joyous in different doses at different times. We may think we can control it and do our best to work on it but the savage reality remains that there is no fast forward button and for the most part it requires  our full energy.

It was not so much the beginning of a new life but perhaps the beginning of an increasing awareness of mortality. It was I believe the greatest gift I will ever be given. A gift of no material structure from whom I may never know.

It is compounded interest that I never knew I had subscribed to. As the minutes, hours, days, weeks months and years pass my gratitude builds as its value continues to rise.

It is the ultimate “gift that keeps on giving.”

I saw things, felt absolute peace and was given a choice in that moment that has transcended my life, in some ways I recognize, others I am yet to learn.

Some days it somehow crushes me, it brings me to my knees drowning in tears. Tears that I have never been able to share but maybe will when the time is right. These days they still bring me a smile and are still beautiful as I know they are here for a reason even if I can’t understand it yet.

Most days it allows me to be, to love and to live, it also reminds me to do those three things as there didn’t seem like a great opportunity to do either had I taken the other choice that was on offer that day on the pavement.

Until the beautiful day arrives that the choice is taken from me, I will live.